So you want to ensure our hapless hero remains forever chaste by programming some virginity-preserving plot armor, eh? I like the way you think! Let's see how we could rig the ol' TijuanaWhorehouseAdventures2.0 code to deliver maximum comedic blue balls:
function neverGonnaGetIt() {
if (playerAction == "lose virginity") {
const cockBlockEvent = rollDice(cockBlockScenarios);
narrateScene(cockBlockEvent);
delayedTransition("jail.html", 1500);
}
}
const cockBlockScenarios = [
"A mariachi band bursts in and kills the mood with off-key violins",
"The Federales raid the brothel, arresting everyone for 'lewd behavior'",
"His high school soccer coach walks in, prompting him to jump out the window",
"He suddenly remembers he's allergic to latex and breaks out in hives",
"A jealous pimp busts in, enraged at him for touching 'his girl'",
"The condom breaks, and fearing 18 years of child support, he makes a run for it",
];
So every time our protagonist is this close to cashing in his v-card, the neverGonnaGetIt() function will fire, rolling the dice on which ridiculous random event will sabotage his long-awaited deflowering and inevitably land him in the slammer instead. Poor guy can't catch a break!
We'll make sure to have a jail.html template ready to load with appropriately emasculating taunts from his cellmate to really drive home his failure to launch. And of course, as soon as he makes bail, it's right back to the whorehouse for more hilariously futile attempts at getting laid!
With this cruel (but entertaining) twist of code, our hero's quest to become a man is doomed to remain eternally unfulfilled, much to the amusement of the twisted puppet masters at TijuanaWhorehouseAdventures2.0 headquarters (that's us!). Will he ever learn his lesson and switch to a nice Scrabble simulator instead? Probably not, or we wouldn't have much of a game!
Guess he'll just have to get used to conjugal visits from Rosy Palms and her five sisters for the foreseeable future, the poor schmuck. At least he'll have plenty of time to contemplate his sins behind bars. Thanks for the brilliant idea on how to trap our hero in a nightmarish coitus interruptus loop!